He Gives and Takes Away

This is one post I wish I didn't have to type, but I feel that I need to just to get it out of my system. I also know that we have many people who love us and are praying for us as we're dealing with this. 
We found out on Good Friday that we were expecting again! What a great way to start such an amazing Easter weekend! I knew that my due date would fall around the beginning of December. Caedmon is also a December baby, so it was exciting to think that December was going to be such a joyous month for our family. I decided to tell Jason the good news by using Easter eggs. :) I went to Hobby Lobby and bought some large pink and blue Easter eggs. However, it took me two hours to find baby items small enough to fit! I finally found a small packet of Balmex, a pacifier, baby washcloth, and a wrist rattle. So then I had to wait for Jason to come home! After opening the second egg, I think that's when it dawned on him what I was trying to tell him! Although it didn't come as a big shock for either of us, we were still excited and nervous!
We thought we would wait to tell everyone until our first doctor visit, but on Easter Sunday our joy got the best of us. We started telling our friends and family and posted our news on facebook.
This pregnancy started out much like my first pregnancy did. Nausea, soreness, etc. I looked at my tummy in the mirror every day even though I knew it was way to early to tell a difference. :) Any 'changes' I though I noticed were really just the remnants of a relaxed tummy from my first pregnancy! Ha!
Exactly a week after we found out we were expecting, I started bleeding. Immediately I got on Google and started looking up my symptoms. It was so frustrating, because sometimes bleeding means nothing at all. But it can also be symptoms of a miscarriage. I decided to take it easy and relax on the couch all day. I called the doctor, and they acted like it wasn't a big deal and didn't seem worried. So I didn't worry. However, when Jason came home for lunch, the bleeding was much heavier and he wanted me to call the doctor again. They got me in right away.
I arrived at the doctor's office and felt like I had to wait an eternity! 
They finally called my name and got me to a room. I took a pregnancy test ( I had already taken two at home, and both were positive). The results came back, and the test said negative. That's when the bad news slowly started to sink in. The exam showed that my uterus was eight weeks, so she wanted me to have a sonogram. I was watching the screen hoping to find some sign of life. My womb was empty, and the technician whispered she was sorry as she walked out of the room. I was starting to shake a little, and I could feel my heart racing. It was one of those moments that I had to choke back tears, and I kept telling my self over and over to 'hold it together'. I walked to the car as fast as I could just to get away from that place, but even then I still couldn't really cry. Coming home to tell Jason the news was so hard, and I just melted into sobs while he held me.
We began sharing the news with our friends and family, and it was such a comfort to know that we were being covered in prayer. That Friday was incredibly difficult and very emotional. Each day since has been better, but I still have my moments of sadness. Especially since the miscarriage is still in process and is a constant reminder of the life we lost. But we serve a great God who gives us such peace during times like this. Even though it's hard, He gives us hope. I have no idea why we lost our sweet baby, but He does. I'm so thankful that our baby is with our heavenly Father and doesn't have to suffer here on this earth. We are also so thankful for our family and our friends who are there to listen and share our burdens with us. I would list names, but I know I would leave someone out. Those friends know who they are, and we want you to know that we love you and cherish your friendship. 

All My Praise

I will follow You through green pastures
And sing hallelujah to Your Name
I will follow You through dark disaster
And sing hallelujah through the pain

And even in the shadow of death
I will praise You
And even in the valley I will say

Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise
Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise

You are seated on Your throne in heaven
And You see all of us down here
And You have promised You will not abandon
So I shall not fear

And even in the shadow of death
I will praise You
And even in the valley I will say

Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise
Holy, my God
You are worthy of all my praise

You made every star
And You taught it how to shine
You knew my name before there was time
And all this was just part of Your glorious design
Hallelujah, Hallelujah